are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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