tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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