fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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