"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
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