It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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