Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
