I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
