if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
All the doctor said was why
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
