maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
