even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
