he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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