I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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