So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
