Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
