Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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