It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
