And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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