you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
