i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
