My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
