I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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