I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
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U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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