im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The feeling are messing with the penis
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
