He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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