That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
