i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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