I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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