My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
