you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
