Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
