While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
