If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
