I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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