He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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