In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
