I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
