Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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