So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
