Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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