the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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