Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
