Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
