A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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