positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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