i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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