life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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