Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
