My brain says no but my pants say off.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
