At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
