why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
