The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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