Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
