I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
